Dear prospective adopter,
I want you to adopt. I have two adopted children, and I believe adoption has worked for both of them, although in one case that success is considerably less obvious than in the other.
But I think we need to be more honest about what you might be letting yourself in for.
In the UK, you’ll do a preparation course. You’ll learn about trauma, attachment difficulties and interrupted development. You’ll be told your child won’t arrive as a blank slate. All good stuff. But let’s not pretend that three or four days can prepare you for years of living with the consequences.
You may find yourself parenting a teenager who looks like an adult but cannot manage adult life safely or independently. You may worry about substance misuse, exploitation and whether they can keep themselves safe. You may even have to consider whether they can continue living at home.
And you may discover that your child will never have the life you imagined for them. Some adopted people will never manage full-time employment or independent living. Some will struggle with relationships or need considerable support to raise their own children. Some will need help for the rest of their lives.
We talk a lot about breaking the cycle. Sometimes that happens. But a loving family cannot undo everything that happened before a child came to them. Adoption can give a child a better childhood without erasing the consequences of their first one. We need to be honest about that.
Then there’s the support. Your adoption agency may do everything it’s required to do, but what happens when your child needs CAMHS, NHS treatment, specialist education or residential provision? These services have their own thresholds, waiting lists and limitations. You can find yourself fighting for help that your child desperately needs but nobody seems able to provide.
Meanwhile, you’re still expected to manage.
You may become very good at navigating services and holding everything together. Unfortunately, the better you are at coping, the easier it can be for everyone else to assume you’re fine. Your family can be in crisis while, on paper, you’re managing.
Think about your other children, your relationship, your work and your own health. What happens if one child’s needs dominate family life for years? What happens when they turn eighteen but aren’t ready for independent adulthood?
These aren’t predictions about your future child. Many adopted children thrive. But these things happen, and you deserve to know that before you adopt.
I don’t regret adopting my children. I believe adoption has worked for both of them. But I wish we were more honest about the gap between preparing families for complex needs and actually supporting them when those needs arise.
Ask difficult questions. Find out what support really means, who provides it and what happens when your child’s needs exceed what your family can safely manage. Don’t settle for being told help is available. Ask what happens when it isn’t.
You can give a child everything you’ve got and still find that it’s nowhere near enough. The system needs to understand that before it asks you to do it.
kind regards,
an experienced adopter