My husband and I adopted our three children over 10 years ago. They were all under five when they came to us. As with all adopters, we were asked to state early in the adoption process what we thought we would be able to manage. We didn’t believe we could manage any children with highly complex needs, but were also aware it could never be ruled out, especially when the children were so young. However, we had been honest to avoid any children whose birth mum had engaged in significant alcohol or drug use during pregnancy.
We found the adoption social worker inappropriate and unprofessional throughout the adoption process. She shared unnecessary lurid details about the birth mum and seemed focused on punishing her, as she clearly disliked her. At the same time, she neglected to pass over the children’s Child Permanence Report (CPR) and did not bother providing us with their life story work. Throughout the adoption, we were assured by social services and our adoption agency that we had nothing to worry about, and that they did not believe the birth mum had used alcohol or drugs during pregnancy or that the children had suffered significant abuse.
Our eldest was a parentified child who had been treated as an adult, and due to this, they struggled to form an attachment with me. The bond to husband was immediate, however. All of the children had experienced neglect, witnessed domestic violence, and were exposed to drug and alcohol misuse. We were assured, however, that the birth mum had tested negative for all substances during their pregnancies. We struggled with some of our eldest’s behavior, but while they were young, this was manageable, and we learned to cope with the support of school and therapeutic services. Our middle child also struggled, showing signs of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) and Global Developmental Delay (GDD) and struggled very badly socially. We repeatedly begged for help, and in crisis, eventually received a psychological assessment, which immediately discounted FASD as we were assured that there had been no drinking during pregnancy. We were told that there would be no further support and anything therapeutic was expected to come from our parenting. From this point onwards, we were offered PACE parenting classes and we attended approximately one per year for the next six years, with no further help and the onus firmly on us. While they were young, their issues were manageable, our middle child responded to our parenting and began to turn a corner, and our eldest was considered a well-adjusted child.
This changed when our eldest hit puberty and started at high school. In Year 7, they gradually struggled more and more socially and their behavior at school and home dramatically deteriorated. They were in constant conflict with peers, seeking out conflict via social media and in friendship groups. Any boundaries that we put in place would be completely ignored and they became increasingly chaotic and impossible to parent. They became verbally and physically aggressive, they began to urinate in their bedroom, and began to disappear and refuse to come home for curfew. At the start of Year 8, they made allegations of sexual abuse and physical abuse against us. We reported ourselves to Social Care, who met with us and all of our children to investigate the claims. We believed we had done everything correctly, we told Social Care and they informed us that it was not necessary to report the allegations to the police. In hindsight, this was a huge mistake and we should have pushed for police involvement immediately. During the investigation, the social worker accused me of being a bad mum, that I had been accused of taking drugs and neglecting the children by our eldest, and offered parenting and cookery classes. They did not bother to ask anyone else and simply took the side of our eldest. This drove a permanent fracture in our relationship that never recovered.
We took our eldest to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) in order to access support. They discovered in the CPR that we had been lied to by social care, that the birth mum had tested positive for drugs and alcohol during pregnancy, and it was highly likely that our eldest was struggling with FASD. They diagnosed early years trauma, but with no assessment/treatment pathway for FASD, we were discharged. Over the following 12 months, our family fell into constant crisis. The physical attacks became more frequent, and our home was regularly smashed up. We could not get them into school, and when we did, they would soon be suspended. We could not get them to return home, we were confident they were engaging in shoplifting, and the verbal aggression was so severe that our youngest children spent all their time in their bedrooms with headphones on to block out the shouting. Our issues were minimized to ‘normal teenage behavior’ and we were told not to try and stop the shoplifting and to give access back to social media. We were assigned an Independent Social Worker (ISW) who stated that she had never worked with a child like this before and didn’t have any ideas on how to help, and she never bothered to turn up for appointments. Eventually, after another violent incident where we had to call the police, we refused to allow our eldest back into our home.
Despite us requesting a Section 20 for 12 months, this was all done in crisis. Initially, for the first 10 days, our eldest was shuttled between friends whilst Social Care repeatedly told us they didn’t have the space to accommodate—we believe this was a tactic to get us to change our minds. We were eventually contacted to attend a Section 20 meeting at the Local Authority (LA) offices. They arranged it at a time when our younger children would be returning from school; we requested either a different time or for Social Services (SS) to attend our home. At this point, we were threatened and told that if we didn’t both attend the meeting, there would be ‘serious repercussions for our younger children.’ During the meeting, we were bullied, patronized, and accused of abandoning our child. Our description of violent attacks was questioned and then minimized. We were threatened with having our other children taken if we pursued a Section 20. We were also threatened with further allegations of abuse that had allegedly been made to police, which we subsequently found out were not recorded or known by the police. We were painted as being difficult, refusing to engage, and responsible for our circumstance despite being assured by the same social worker two weeks before that we “had done everything we could.” We were made to feel that we had woken up that morning and decided we couldn’t be bothered anymore, not that we had been repeatedly and violently assaulted for 18 months, and had engaged with every bit of advice given by social services. We spoke in length during that meeting about the allegations that had been made against us and how impossible it had become to continue with our child in our home. Eventually, they agreed to the Section 20, and our eldest was accommodated.
They were accommodated in a series of unsuitable homes that were not able to cope with their behavior and offered no therapeutic support. Their behavior significantly declined and they started going missing from home overnight and were caught with drugs. They were then permanently excluded from school, despite our and the school’s efforts.
Allegations against us continued. On one occasion, we were made aware of an allegation of physical abuse whilst reading a report. When it became clear that this allegation had not been investigated, we complained about the social worker’s manager who had managed this accusation. Approximately two weeks after we raised this complaint, we were informed by the care home that they had made a safeguarding disclosure which they had reported to Social Care. The manager that we had complained about was in charge of managing this disclosure. That evening, four police officers and a social worker appeared at our home, my husband was arrested and held in a police cell overnight. I was told to present at the station the next day to be questioned. The police questioned us about the allegations made 18 months earlier and nothing else. My husband was placed on bail for six weeks and not able to be alone with our children, apart from the day after the arrest. The police, with agreement from Social Care, lifted the bail conditions to be alone with the children whilst I was being interviewed. After claiming that the bail conditions were necessary to protect our younger children, they then agreed to lift them to allow my husband to care for the two younger children they were claiming to protect. None of it made any sense to us and the more we questioned and complained, the more we were labeled as difficult.
The impact of our treatment by both Social Care and the police was devastating. We were confused; we couldn’t understand why we had suddenly been arrested over a disclosure that had been made 18 months previously. We have since read all the police reports and they only make mention of the initial allegation; to this day we have not been questioned about a new disclosure. Our child also denies making a new disclosure. They have told us that they were talking to the staff in their care home about their initial allegation. Social Services claim that there were new allegations but refuse to provide any evidence.
We fought for months to be given further details from Social Care; they refuse to tell us what our child disclosed. They will only tell us that a new allegation was made and that all guidelines were followed. We complained through the official complaints procedure and we have presented them with evidence from the police that show we have not been questioned or investigated in regards to a new allegation, only the original one which the LA had known about for 18 months, but they still will not acknowledge our evidence. It is our belief that the manager we complained about reported our child’s initial allegation as retribution for the Section 20 and for complaining about her. It has devastated our family. Our younger children saw the police response that evening and it caused significant trauma for them; our middle child began self-harming and our youngest child has trouble sleeping to this day. My husband and I are on medication for our mental health and are still struggling to manage the impact from that evening. It also caused immense harm to our relationship with our eldest. Our younger children refused to see them for around four months; my husband and I were unable to have contact with them either. We were scared of further allegations and exhausted from the stress.
Our eldest child was not supported during any of this chaos. Their social worker maintained the statutory four-weekly visits, and despite knowing they then had no contact with any of their family, they failed to put in any additional support to help them. This led to them seeking out birth family. Birth family are local to us and are a significant threat to our children and us. Our eldest shared where both the younger children attend school and is now in regular contact with the birth mum. This has caused both of our younger children to become extremely unsettled; they are being given information on members of their birth family that they should not have access to. We have had to engage in safety planning with their schools and now have a police marker on our address in case the birth family attempts to make contact with them.
We are exhausted, frustrated, and angry. We believe that there have been multiple failings when it comes to our family, and the absolute lack of accountability by the LA is staggering. They close ranks and protect each other. They hide behind data protection, and due to the immense power they hold, we just cannot fight back. The harm that has been caused to our family is irreparable. While all the professionals have focused on our eldest, we also have two younger adopted children, and their welfare and needs have been repeatedly disregarded by the LA.
From day one, our children’s and our family’s best interests have been ignored. It feels like everything is driven by what is in the council’s best interest, and if something goes wrong, we are there to be used as scapegoats and blamed.
The trauma that we have faced over the last few years has been horrifying. My husband and I are scarred, so I can only imagine the harm it has caused to the children. Our family and lives are ruined, and we cannot even get an admission of responsibility or an apology, let alone help and support.