What Happened to Kenny?

Understanding Childhood Trauma & How We Can Help
Based on Betsy de Thierry’s The Trauma Recovery Handbook (2025)
🧒🏻 Who is Kenny?
Kenny is 12 years old. He’s been through a lot more than any child should ever have to face. He was removed from his parents due to serious neglect and physical harm. His early life was full of chaos, domestic violence, and not having his basic needs met.
Kenny didn’t just grow up in a difficult environment—he grew up in survival mode. That experience has shaped how he sees the world, how he behaves, and how he feels about himself.
💥 What is Trauma?
According to Betsy de Thierry, trauma is:
“Any experience—or repeated experience—where the person feels terrified, powerless and overwhelmed, to the point they can’t cope.”
Trauma can be something that happened (like abuse or violence), or something that should have happened but didn’t—like having a parent who cuddles you, listens to your worries, or makes you feel safe.
Trauma affects the body, brain, emotions, behaviour, learning and relationships. It leaves a kind of “blueprint” behind in the nervous system.
🚸 Kenny’s Early Life
Here’s a bit more about Kenny’s early experience:
• He was neglected emotionally and physically
• He didn’t always have food or comfort
• He was physically hurt as a baby
• He grew up hearing shouting and seeing violence
• He was taken into care for his own safety
Now that Kenny is older, he can’t put all of that into words, but his body and behaviour still carry the weight of those early years.
🚫 “Naughty” is Not the Right Word
Sometimes Kenny gets angry. He lashes out. He pushes people away. He acts like he doesn’t care. He tries to be the best—or the loudest—because deep down, he feels the worst.
But Kenny isn’t naughty. Kenny is hurt.
When a child behaves in big, confusing, or upsetting ways, it’s often because they’re trying to protect themselves. The behaviour isn’t the problem—it’s a message.
If we don’t try to understand what’s happened to a child, we risk missing the chance to help them recover. We’re not respecting what they’ve been through—we’re just reacting to what we can see.
🧠 Trauma and the Brain
When a child lives in fear or stress, their brain changes to help them survive.
• The back part of the brain (survival brain) becomes overactive. This is where fight, flight, or freeze responses happen.
• The front part of the brain (thinking brain) struggles to work properly when a child feels unsafe.
Kenny’s brain is often stuck in “survival mode”. He finds it hard to calm down, think clearly, or talk about what’s going on. That’s not defiance—it’s trauma.
🪟 The Window of Tolerance
This is a really helpful idea from Dr Dan Siegel, also used by Betsy de Thierry.
We all have a kind of “emotional window” where we can stay calm, think, and manage feelings. But trauma makes that window much smaller.
• Inside the window = calm, able to learn, connect, and think
• Above the window = hyper (angry, anxious, reactive)
• Below the window = shut down (numb, quiet, spaced out)
Kenny’s window is small. He goes out of it quickly—not because he’s trying to be difficult, but because his brain thinks he’s under threat, even if he isn’t.
🔍 What Else Is Going On?
🧠 Neuroception
This is the nervous system’s way of automatically checking for danger—without us even realising.
Kenny can pick up on the tiniest changes in tone, facial expression, or body language. He’s always on alert, even when everything seems fine.
🔄 Interoception
This is our ability to notice what’s going on inside our own body—like hunger, tension, or emotions.
Kenny struggles to understand or name what he’s feeling. It all just becomes “too much” and explodes out.
💢 “Bad Behaviour” or Survival?
Here are some ways Kenny’s trauma shows up:
• Aggression or hurting others
• Always trying to win or control situations
• Saying cruel things to push people away
• Feeling shame and acting out because of it
• Becoming clingy—or refusing to accept help
• Lying or sabotaging good moments (to feel in control)
• Being anxious, fidgety, or unable to sit still
These behaviours aren’t manipulative. They’re protective. Kenny is doing what helped him survive.
🧾 Common Symptoms of Trauma in Children
Emotional
• Worry, sadness, low confidence
• Mood swings, outbursts
• Shame, guilt, or numbness
Behavioural
• Anger or aggression
• Risk-taking or defiance
• Sleep problems, lack of focus
• Repeating traumatic themes in play
Physical
• Headaches or stomach aches
• Constant tiredness
• Overly tense or on edge
Social
• Problems with trust
• People-pleasing or fear of rejection
• Trouble making or keeping friends
🛠️ So What Helps?
Healing from trauma is possible—but it takes time, patience, and support from more than just one person. A loving adult can’t “fix” trauma alone, but they can make a huge difference.
Reality check: Parents and carers in crisis cannot support a child’s recovery when their own needs are ignored. Supporting the child means actively supporting the adults around them—because without this, the entire system collapses.
Living with and managing the impact of trauma every single day can break even the most resilient adults. The emotional toll is profound. Research shows that adoptive parents and carers often suffer from secondary trauma, and many go on to develop firsthand trauma as a direct result of parenting a child in deep emotional distress. This can lead to debilitating anxiety, depression, relationship breakdowns, and PTSD—and in some cases, complete emotional or mental health collapse.
We must stop expecting parents to hold everything together without the right help. While the next section explores what can aid a child’s recovery, it must be said clearly: no child can recover in a household that is itself in crisis. Healing and repair are only possible when adults receive the right support, insight, and intervention—because their wellbeing is not optional. It’s foundational.
What Kenny Needs Most:
✅ Safety
• Emotional and physical safety
• Predictable routines and responses
• Calm, kind reactions, * It’s hard to stay calm and kind when the family is facing a crisis or ongoing challenges, especially with children’s big feelings. *
✅ Connection
• Being listened to and believed
• Warmth and interest in his world
• Not being left alone with big feelings
✅ Support with Feelings
• Help naming emotions (“You seem really frustrated—shall we figure it out?”)
• Adults who can stay calm, even when he can’t – *again not always possible when the family is facing crisis or ongoing challenges as noted*
• Reassurance that he’s not bad—he’s important
We know Kenny can be challenging. It’s exhausting, worrying, and sometimes heartbreaking. But please know:
• Kenny is not choosing to be difficult
• His behaviour tells the story he can’t speak out loud
• He needs connection, not rejection
When we understand instead of punish… when we stay instead of walk away… when we make sense of the past instead of ignoring it…
…we create space for Kenny to heal.
🧍‍♂️🧍‍♀️ What About Kenny’s Parent/ carer?
Kenny’s behaviour doesn’t just affect him—it affects the whole family.
His parents live with the day-to-day reality of his trauma responses. This can include explosive anger, aggression, verbal outbursts, and times when it feels like nothing they do is right. Living with this level of stress is exhausting. When there’s little support, or people assume “it must be the parents’ fault,” the pressure builds up—and can become overwhelming.
One result of long-term stress like this is that parents can start to struggle too. It doesn’t mean they don’t care. It means they’ve been holding too much, for too long. As Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavitz say, “children are not the only ones who need to heal; the people who care for them must also be supported if we want lasting change” (Perry & Szalavitz, 2006).
Sometimes, in complex situations, unhealthy habits or coping strategies develop—not out of neglect, but out of survival. When professionals respond with blame, scrutiny, or shame, it creates fear and withdrawal. But when professionals work with parents using empathy and curiosity, we keep the door open for trust, connection, and real change.
Yes, safeguarding is always a priority. If there are concerns about safety or parenting, they must be taken seriously. But we also need to ask why things are happening. Exhausted parents may be stuck in survival mode too. As Karen Treisman reminds us, “we need to support caregivers with the same level of empathy and attention that we afford to the children — they are often traumatised by proximity and deserve to be held in the system, not blamed by it” (Treisman, 2017).
Being recovery-focused means supporting the whole family. It means creating safe, shame-free spaces for parents to talk, to feel heard, and to get the help they need—without fear of being judged. As Dr Graham Music says, “when we support the adults around the child, we increase the chances of the child feeling safe enough to begin to heal” (Music, 2019).
Kenny can’t recover alone. He needs adults who are supported, stable, and connected—and that means looking after his parents, too. But if we do not work with parents, and we use punitive lenses we fail everyone.
________________________________________
💬 💬 Final Words
“Instead of asking ‘What’s wrong with this child?’ ask: ‘What happened to this child?’”
— Betsy de Thierry
Recovery starts with understanding. When we listen to the story behind the behaviour, we stop judging—and start helping.
And when we listen to leading voices in trauma and mental health—like Betsy de Thierry, Dr Dan Siegel, Dr Gabor Maté, Dr Bessel van der Kolk, Dr Peter Levine, Dr Judith Herman, and Dr Graham Music—we begin to understand that adverse childhood experiences don’t just affect children in the moment. They often shape mental health and wellbeing long into adulthood.
But children don’t heal in isolation. They heal in relationships—with adults who feel seen, supported, and strong enough to keep showing up. That’s why we must extend our care to the whole family system. When parents are struggling, we must ask not only “what does this child need?” but also “what does this parent need to keep going, to feel safe, and to be present?”
This makes it clear: if we truly want to support children and prevent long-term struggles, we must prioritise emotional understanding and commit to trauma-responsive, recovery-focused care—for every child, and for every parent or carer walking the journey with them.
If science clearly evidences the impact of trauma on the brain, we must ask: why is social work practice still choosing to overlook it?
References:
de Thierry, B. (2025). The Trauma Recovery Handbook: A Model for Navigating Recovery for Professionals, Parents and Carers. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Perry, B.D. & Szalavitz, M. (2006). The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog. Basic Books.
Treisman, K. (2017). A Therapeutic Treasure Box for Working with Children and Adolescents with Developmental Trauma. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Music, G. (2019). Nurturing Natures: Attachment and Children’s Emotional, Sociocultural and Brain Development. Routledge.
With thanks to Trauma Recovery Global | Betsy de Thierry —whose training has strengthened my resolve and pushed this campaign