If only our children were seen By Catherine
Adopting Siblings
After several exceptionally difficult years, myself and my husband made the decision to create our family through adoption. We both really wanted two children. I had read a lot about how many siblings were waiting years in care, desperate for adoptive families or were being separated. We felt strongly that we should adopt siblings, as we wanted to be able to provide a loving home for two children. If we wanted two children anyway, it felt right to us to help a pair of siblings to remain together.
**Just to explain, the below are all real life descriptions and accounts of our children’s trauma. They are in no way any criticism or reflection on our children themselves. We love our two children more than words can describe. All of the behaviours are purely due to their early life trauma and the severity of it**
Activity Day
We met our two children at an activity day in 2019. Apprehensive about attending the activity day, it turned out it was incredible and a really natural way for adopters and children to meet one another. We decided not to read any of the profiles before going in, then we weren’t basing our decision on anything other than our gut feeling. We felt a natural connection to both of our children, which felt reciprocated. Apparently, we were the only adopters our two children engaged with that entire day. Our two children were 3 & 4 years of age when we first met them both. This was the children’s 3rd activity day and in all likelihood their last chance of being adopted.
Placement
It took a further six months before the children were placed with us. We had to be formally matched, plus there were legal challenges which had to be dealt with in the background. We were told both children had suffered severe neglect and abuse, followed by secondary neglect at their first foster placement. The children had been in care for almost three years. We were also told that both children suffered from global developmental delay. Our two children moved in with us in 2020.
In all honesty, we had no idea just how traumatised both children were. At this point, we had received no specialist trauma training what so ever. In fact, at this point we hadn’t even heard of the term ‘developmental trauma’.
The challenging behaviours began pretty much immediately. Nothing prepared us for how extremely challenging the behaviours were or how exceptionally high both children’s needs were.
High Level of Needs
Both of the children required constant attention. I remember one morning, I couldn’t even sip my coffee, as our youngest daughter became so acutely distressed that I wasn’t looking at her even for just a few seconds. Our youngest daughter would feral scream multiple times every day. It is a scream I had never heard before and is what I can only describe as a blood curdling scream that goes right through you.
Neither child could go to sleep at night, it used to take approximately 3 hrs every night (for several years) with us both sitting with the children separately. It was as if their brains could not switch off at all. Plus it was clear both children were terrified of being on their own at night. Both children were exceptionally dysregulated, they could not sit still and were both like the Tasmanian devils in how they would move at speed where ever they went.
Difficulty with Transitions
We soon learned that going anywhere was fine, however leaving was another matter. It would often take us 1 1/2 hrs to safely leave the park or a family members house and the children would become incredibly dysregulated. After a while we realised it was far too stressful & unsafe going anywhere, especially if it was just myself taking the children. It would require both of us, if we were ever to attempt to go anywhere other than school.
Simple, Every day tasks were exhausting!
Early mornings were also extremely challenging, it used to take both children several hours just to eat their breakfast. Everything from getting washed, dressed, eating meals would take several hours for each activity. It was utterly exhausting. In addition to this both children wore nappies at night time due to their trauma, they were 4 & 5.
Children were Extremely Independent
In those early days both children were unable to let us help them with anything, especially me as mum. If they didn’t shut the car door themselves and we did it for them, they would both scream at the top of their lungs. Our youngest daughter would sit and pull the top of her leggings up and shuffle forwards and backwards. We eventually found out this was our daughter self soothing when she became distressed. Our youngest daughter also used to pull out clumps of her hair, another sign she was feeling distressed.
Violence
Our eldest, the more traumatised by far out of the two children, soon became extremely violent. Our eldest would dissociate and would attack her younger sister, one day she almost smashed her sisters head against an upstairs radiator. Thankfully I managed to restrain her just in time. It was not long before the violence started on myself. I would never have believed that a 5 year old could be that strong or that violent. I was regularly kicked, punched, scratched, pinched, plus verbally abused too. Sometimes the violence was so prolonged, I had to lock myself in the downstairs toilet, just to get some reprieve.
The worst scenario was when our eldest daughter used to attack her younger sister, as I had to protect our youngest daughter whilst also getting hurt myself. I felt like I was in a martial arts competition at times, I became expert at blocking punches, kicks etc
Our eldest daughter could not stand me to look directly at her and would become extremely triggered by this. Also I was unable to touch her at all, if I did, she would immediately punch me. Our eldest daughter used to hiss at me too if I ever accidentally touched her, plus on other occasions she would spit at me.
We needed help!
We soon realised we were completely & utterly out of our depths. We asked for help and we’re lucky in that we received emergency Covid funding for an online therapeutic parenting course, with a consultant clinical psychologist who specialised in developmental trauma. The course was eye opening and we learned a huge amount about trauma and specifically why our children were behaving the way they were.
Starting Mainstream School
The September of that first year, both children started mainstream primary school. Getting both children safely into the car, driving to school and getting them out of the car and into school, was undoubtedly the most stressful part of the entire day. Both children were exceptionally dysregulated due to their developmental trauma.
Physically getting them both into the car and seat belted was a huge undertaking in itself. I would often drive the 10 minutes to school, with both children shouting, screaming and or kicking the back of my car seat. Arriving at school was equally stressful. Both children would run (flight response) into school, but would then refuse to enter the classroom. It would take anything from 30 minutes upto 1 hr every morning to get them from the school grounds and into their classrooms. They would either hide behind trees, climb up trees or run at speed around the school grounds.
Leaving school in an afternoon was the same but in reverse. However, with the added stress of having a huge audience watching you and judging you. On more than one occasion, both children would run out of the school grounds, straight into the main road. This was absolutely terrifying. In the end we got permission to park in the staff carpark, due to the safety risk.
We received support from a consultant Clinical Psychologist for over two years paid for via the ASF. This lady was an expert in trauma. However, the work was all systemic and although we learned a lot of theory. There was very little in the way of tangible improvement in the children themselves.
Regression
During the first few years, our youngest daughter went from not letting us help her at all. To regressing to the point that she wanted us to do everything for her, including feeding her at all mealtimes. We were told this was a good sign as it was meeting unmet needs. Our youngest daughter needed us to feed her for quite a while but then got to the point where she no longer needed it. However, sadly our eldest was unable to accept this level of nurture.
The first full year of school was ok, apart from the usual exhausting daily challenges at home and with transitions. Although our eldest daughter’s Yr1 teacher who was also the SENCO, had provided excessive support to our daughter (unbeknown to us). Although good, it masked the severity of our daughter’s struggles in school.
Second Year of School – Crisis
The following year in Yr2, the wheels completely fell off for our eldest daughter. We were called into school more & more frequently as school were unable to manage our daughters challenging behaviour. In addition to this, we were emailed by school most days. Our eldest daughter was becoming more & more distressed in school & was displaying more challenging & aggressive behaviours towards children & teachers. The Inclusions officer became involved.
It all came to a head one day, while just by chance I happened to be in the classroom. It was like lighting a match, I had never seen our daughter so distressed as she was that day.
Our daughter grabbed a pencil and threw it at another child. Then grabbed a chair and threw it. The teacher evacuated the class & our daughter completely trashed the classroom, then hid under the table and let out the most horrific feral scream. It was absolutely heartbreaking seeing our eldest daughter so extremely distressed, I cried for most of the rest of that day.
EHCP Required/Child Out of Education
Following on from this, it was decided an EHCP was required. It was decided our daughter would stay off school until a TA could be recruited and the EHCP paperwork submitted. However, the school did not submit the paperwork. It was quite clear the school were just happy to have our daughter off school and not causing them any trouble.
The next three months were extremely challenging. We were both trying to work, whilst having to arrange full time childcare for our eldest daughter. I was on the receiving end of extremely violent behaviour from our eldest, whilst trying to get support put in place. Six weeks later and our family were in a very bad place. I found out that the school had not even submitted any of the paperwork. I was beyond appalled. The worse part was that no one seemed to be in the slightest bit concerned that a vulnerable child was missing education.
After contacting our Voluntary Adoption Agency who approved us, who were no help what so ever. I contacted Children Missing Education, who were the only service who seemed concerned. Eventually school employed a TA and then our eldest daughter went back to school part time.
Things improved for a few months, the EHCP got completed. Then sadly, in the October of that year (Yr3) things took a turn for the worst again. After another bad day, our eldest daughter got banned from after school club and put on yet another part time timetable.
Last Ditch Attempt to Remain in Mainstream School
The Clinical Psychologist staged a 3 month intervention, to see if she could help school manage our daughter’s trauma and help our eldest daughter remain in mainstream school. The Consultant Clinical Psychologist told me that if we transferred our daughter to a specialist school, she would be sent away and we would not see her again. At the time, in severe crisis, I was almost fooled by this, but thankfully taking a step back I knew she was just trying to secure her own gravy train. However, it was clear, the best school could do was to contain our daughter, our daughter could not access learning or even be in the main classroom.
1st Emergency EHCP Review Requested
We took the decision to request an emergency EHCP review the following January, requesting that our eldest daughter get transferred to a therapeutic specialist school. It was not an easy decision, however we could not carry on as we were. Our family were in crisis and our eldest daughter was being completely failed.
Isolated in Library
By this time, school were isolating our eldest daughter in the school library with her TA. Our eldest daughter spent her days watching ‘YouTube’ videos, children’s films & practising her gymnastics outside, while the other children were in class. In between this time, our daughter was put on multiple part time timetables. Our eldest daughter was so distressed at school, we experienced a lot of violence at home. This violence was always aimed at myself.
Surely things couldn’t get any worse?
As if things could not possibly get any worse. School phoned and asked us to go in and meet with our youngest daughter’s teacher. The class teacher who up until this point had not mentioned anything about our youngest daughter struggling in school. This same teacher suddenly told us our youngest daughter had been displaying challenging behaviour in class for the past few months and said she would also require an EHCP. Bewildered and disappointed that none of this had been mentioned to us sooner. We then started the ball rolling with a 2nd EHCP for our youngest daughter aswell as the current battle for our eldest daughter.
1st Battle with Local Authority
For the next seven months, I battled with our LA SEND team. Who tried in vain to force us to send our eldest daughter to their local offer SEMH primary school. I agreed to visit the school, however i was appalled at what I encountered. There was piercing alarms ringing, members of staff running with bunches of keys. I felt frightened, goodness knows how the poor children felt. I told the LA SEND manager in no uncertain terms, we would not be sending our eldest daughter to a school which resembled a prison.
During this time we had consulted with an Independent school who were supposedly experts in trauma. However, after messing us about for months, they finally said they could not meet our daughter’s needs. I was absolutely devastated as it was the only specialist school in the region I knew of who could meet our daughters needs. I since found out this Independent school was not all it seemed and was actually using excessive use of restraint.
Reaching out for help – During Crisis!
During this seven months, our family reached crisis point again. The violence at home increased, working, therapeutically parenting two severely traumatised children and having to battle the LA proved far too much. At this point I reached out to the following services and this was their response word for word;
• SENDIASS – After initially responding to my emails, of which I made it clear we were in crisis. They suddenly stopped replying or returning my calls. Then approx 6-8 weeks later suddenly got in touch again.
• LA SEND Team – “It isn’t classed as urgent because your daughter has not been expelled”.
• Regional Adoption Agency – “We don’t get involved in educational matters. This is your s**t sandwich”. (RAA SW)
• Virtual School – Conveniently “lost” my email and then found it approximately two months later. By which time all they could offer me was to “send an email out on my behalf”.
• Voluntary Adoption Agency – Who approved us. I didn’t bother to contact them, as they were absolutely useless the first time we were in crisis.
As you can see above, there was no accountability whatsoever so ever. No one would help us at all. It was clear we were completely on our own, with what was a very serious and complex issue.
Help at Long Last!
Out of shear desperation and our family in dire straits. I contacted the director of Children’s Services at our local authority and told them we were at risk of an adoption breakdown. Thankfully, the Director replied to me and put one of their senior managers in charge of helping us. This senior manager emailed me straight away and arranged a time to phone me. To my amazement the manager listened, acknowledged the seriousness of the situation and got wheels in motion.
Finally the LA SEND manager emailed me the name of a specialist, independent, therapeutic school an hour from our home. They set up a visit for myself and our eldest daughter days later. We went and it was the most incredible school, small, calm, in the middle of open countryside, super peaceful. The head teacher was absolutely lovely, they answered all of my questions in lots of detail too. Something the other independent school were unwilling to do.
Life Changing Difference
Our daughter started her new therapeutic school two months later in the September and it has been absolutely life changing. Our eldest daughter is like a completely different child, the violence has gradually gone, she is a million times calmer, able to self regulate and is now fully learning too. The staff are all incredible and go out of their way to fully support not only our daughter but us too. Just to prove how crucial the environment is to a traumatised child. In two years our eldest daughter has not been restrained once, has never been sent home, gets full points every week and is a used as a role model to other pupils. Our eldest daughter was 3 years behind academically when she started her new school she is now only ten months behind.
Theraplay
During this time, we undertook Theraplay therapy with a clinical psychologist, funded by the ASF. The Theraplay was incredible and massively helped our eldest daughter begin to trust adults, learn to co regulate and start to tolerate gentle touch (amongst lots of other things). The clinical psychologist told me that on all seven of the traits of developmental trauma, our eldest daughter scored the highest level in all seven areas.
The psychologist openly told me, it was not very often she had treated a child so severely traumatised as our eldest daughter. The consistency of the weekly Theraplay sessions was essential respite for us, as for that hour, we could forget the chaos and stress going on around us and could just escape. The clinical psychologist was exceptionally supportive to us and went above and beyond to support our family. This lady worked with our family for over two years and we have such lovely memories of our Theraplay sessions. It really did bring both children on immensely and also helped increase my confidence in being a therapeutic parent.
2nd EHCP Finalised – However All Not Well
Going back now, to our youngest daughter. Eventually the EHCP was finalised and at the start of Yr3 a teaching assistant was put in place. We knew the TA already, who was a lovely person. Things seemed to go ok for that first half term. Then we noticed more and more that our youngest daughter didn’t want to go into school. It became hugely stressful every morning and most mornings we were late. We could also tell that our youngest daughter was stuck emotionally, in that she was not progressing and was falling further behind her peers. We noticed that our youngest daughter was no longer getting invited to birthday parties and was showing signs of distress at home.
2nd Emergency EHCP Review Requested
We called an emergency EHCP review in the January, with the view of getting our youngest daughter transferred to the same therapeutic school as her older sister. Unfortunately despite the review meeting having gone very well, without our knowledge the head teacher had contacted the council and spoken to them about our youngest daughter. We had the clinical psychologist at the formal meeting with us, yet the council chose off the record to listen to the head teacher instead.
2nd Battle with the Local Authority
The local authority who had seemed open to the prospect of transferring our youngest daughter to the same therapeutic school as or eldest and who had already let myself and my youngest daughter visit the school. Suddenly told me new information had come to light, however they would not tell me what that information was. The specialist settings panel refused our youngest daughter a place and furthermore said our youngest daughter did not require specialist education.
I was devastated once again, how on earth could they allow one sibling specialist provision, yet deny their younger sibling? Weeks of emails ensued between myself, the SEND manager and their Senior manager (Service Lead). At no point did anyone phone me up or speak with me. They carried out a review and told us it would be an inefficient use of public money. I informed the local authority I would be appealing to the SEND tribunal, which I submitted that very evening.
The SEND tribunal got back to me several weeks later, informing me that a court date had been secured for a years time. It was soul destroying to know we would have to wait that long. I also contacted my MP who was absolutely lovely and personally replied assuring me they would do their best but could not promise the local authority would change their mind. As all this was going on, I was still working and trying my best not to show the children the immense stress I was under.
Youngest Daughter Struggling more & more
At this time, things gradually worsened with our youngest daughter. On some days it was impossible to get her to go to school at all. We later found out, that our younger daughters TA who was meant to be dedicated to our younger daughter, was actually helping another 4 children too. Worse than this, one day at pick up, the TA told me they had put my daughter on the “lower ability table”. I was horrified that a) my daughters TA was being shared out for children who didn’t even have an EHCP and b) the school had a “lower ability table”.
I was in such regular contact with the senior managers at the local authority SEND team, I felt as though I should be invited to their Christmas party. I counted that in the past year I had sent over 300 emails advocating for our two children. This really was like having another part time job, with the exception that I wasn’t being paid. The stress and worry of yet another battle with the local authority was indescribable. It very much felt like David and Goliath. I had no energy left in me, however I knew if I didn’t fight, no one else would.
Help from MP
Several months later, since this battle first started I received a letter from my MP. Assuming it was informing me that the council were not backing down. To my amazement, my MP was writing to inform me that the local authority had visited our youngest daughters school and when questioned further on the matter, the school had admitted they could not meet our youngest daughters needs. Part of me was livid at how the school had tried to sabotage our youngest daughter’s school transfer. However, I was immensely relieved and incredibly emotional that we had finally secured the specialist help our youngest daughter desperately required.
Trauma & Attachment Sensory Integration Therapy
During the second battle, we also received Trauma & Attachment Sensory Therapy for our eldest daughter paid for via the ASGSF. This was hugely beneficial to our eldest daughter and massively helped with her unmet sensory needs. It also helped to strengthen our attachment and our daughter’s sensitivity to touch.
Summary
I feel extremely angry that I had to fight for so long and go to such extreme lengths to get the specialist support our two children desperately needed. What would happen if I couldn’t have done all of this fighting or couldn’t have navigated and understood all of the bureaucracy and super complex processes?
Due to all of the relentless fighting I’d had to do, I was beyond exhausted. I knew I was not being the best version of myself for our two children and I felt extremely guilty about this.
If our adoption had broken down. There is no doubt our eldest child would have certainly required exceptionally high cost residential care due to the severity of their trauma. Which probably would have cost a minimum of £5-£10k per week if not significantly more.
What struck me was two things really. Firstly, no one seemed to care that we were at such risk of breakdown. Secondly, there was absolutely no accountability what so ever. No one was responsible, it seemed to be acceptable for services to just ignore my emails and phone calls. It also appeared acceptable for the adoption agencies to completely wash their hands of us. Despite us being told repeatedly at the start of our adoption journey we would receive life long support.
I had absolutely no experience or specialist knowledge of the education system before this. Yet I had to quickly educate myself and navigate the exceptional levels of bureaucracy with no support what so ever.
I look back and I genuinely don’t know how on earth we got through what we did. I naively thought at the start of our journey, if we ever hit crisis, a team of professionals would swoop in and provide specialist support. Sadly I could not have been more wrong. The most frightening thing was realising there was no safety net, no one was coming to help us.
I am sadly not surprised in the slightest that so many adoptions are breaking down in this country. Post adoption support is absolutely diabolical. The system is setting adopters up to fail, but worse than that they are failing the most vulnerable children.
Recent Cuts to Adoption Support
The recent cuts to the Adoption and Special Guardianship Support Fund is yet another insult to adoptive families. In my humble opinion, the government should be bending over backwards to fully support adoptive families in every way possible. As we are providing a crucial service for society in helping to transform vulnerable children’s lives, whilst also saving the country a fortune in the process. Not only in terms of short term costs associated with being in care/residential care but also longer term costs such as less unemployment, less prison places, less addiction problems, less pressure on social services. Yet we are treated exceptionally poorly, we are not recognised nor respected for the vital work we are doing.
I wished the people in power could spend a week with an adoptive family and experience first hand how utterly exhausting it is parenting severely traumatised children. Then perhaps they would have much more empathy and decency towards us. If the government and local authorities would work with us rather than constantly fighting against us, we could have far more successful adoptions and far better long term outcomes for some of the most vulnerable children in our society.