Sam and James – Broken Hearts

Sam and James’ Story
Sam and James are a loving couple who have been together for many years. After facing infertility, they chose to adopt. Their adoption journey began with a whirlwind preparation programme—brief and, in hindsight, lacking in many crucial areas. This was followed by a far more intense and thorough assessment process, delving into every aspect of their history. Particular focus was given to Sam’s experience of a previous abusive relationship, which was, somewhat ironically, viewed positively due to the resilience and strength she demonstrated in overcoming it.
Eventually, they reached their chosen destination: three beautiful children. The children had all experienced emotional and physical neglect, abuse, and exposure to a range of harmful influences in their early life—including drugs, alcohol misuse, domestic violence, and parental mental health issues. Each child arrived with individual trauma symptoms and additional needs. Sam and James knew family life would bring challenges, but with their strong support network, they felt as ready and prepared as possible. They had researched extensively, engaged in training, and thoughtfully considered every potential scenario and beyond. They did not consider themselves naïve.
The early days of family life were filled with love. Bonds were forming, and although the road was bumpy, it felt worthwhile. Sam and James threw themselves into parenting with full hearts—introducing the children to new experiences, promoting their health and development, and creating a nurturing, active home life.
However, as time went on, things became increasingly difficult in ways they had not expected. They were met with challenges that no amount of reading or preparation could have truly equipped them for. Still, they were determined to manage, leaning on one another and their extended network of family and friends who were ready and willing to help.
Some of the complexities they had not foreseen included needing to safeguard their children from one another, being physically assaulted by a child they loved, and then being met with punitive blame when they asked for help.
The crash-course preparation had not covered how to respond to extreme sibling violence, nor the complex presentations that followed: dissociation, Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and significant developmental delays rooted in early trauma and neglect.
Life became a relentless cycle of crisis. Sam and James worked tirelessly to protect their children—and themselves—implementing safety plans, managing behaviour, and relying heavily on their support network. They became masters of distraction, containment, and crisis de-escalation.
Despite the chaos, there were still moments of joy: the bond, the love, and the real, lasting memories built as a family. They clung to hope and kept learning—attending courses, seeking advice, reading endlessly, and building a network of understanding peers. Sam gave up her job to provide full-time care, advocate for the children, and meet their ever-increasing needs.
Some (but not all) of the behaviours they managed over the following eight years with their eldest child included:
• Hiding sharps in her room and making graphic threats to kill
• Harming animals
• Frequent fighting at school
• Assaults on vulnerable staff and peers
• Prolonged episodes of screaming and shouting
• Destruction of property
• Food hoarding
• Intense dysregulation
• Running away
• Threats to stab and kill siblings
• Self-harm
• Extreme control and demand avoidance
• Violence towards family members
• Erratic attachment patterns
• Severe emotional swings
• Depressive symptoms
• Masking behaviour in front of professionals
Support and Actions Taken by Sam and James:
• Engaged in family and individual therapy
• Attended Safe Base, Play Therapy, and Theraplay courses
• Completed therapeutic parenting programmes
• Followed DDP, and PACE-informed approaches
• Created robust safety plans in collaboration with their network
• Sought advice from police, social services, and therapists
• One parent left work to become a full-time carer from the outset of the adoption placement starting and throughout the eight years
• Took nightly walks with their eldest to help her regulate
• Slept on the landing to protect younger children
• Delayed the adoption order in hope of receiving long-term support (granted three years later)
• Family members who offered help were not assessed for support or respite
• Children moved schools without adequate transition planning, leading to further instability
The Breaking Point
After years of crisis, exhaustion, and repeated physical and emotional harm, Sam and James sought legal advice. Their eldest was deemed ‘out of parental control’. Instead of receiving support, the couple were met with a narrative of blame. It was devastating. They had gone above and beyond, and their love was unwavering. Yet the Local Authority twisted information, altered narratives, and disregarded the children’s trauma histories as relevant to their current struggles.
Tragically, Sam and James lost all three children—they were removed. This, despite the complexities being confined largely to their eldest child. Despite full cooperation. Despite a supportive extended network offering help. Nothing changed the outcome.
The children’s behaviour should have been recognised as trauma responses. Their perspectives, language, and reactions needed contextual understanding from professionals trained in developmental trauma. Instead, it was reduced to a dossier to justify removal. The children needed help to heal from early adversity. The family needed support, not scrutiny.
Years have passed. Though deeply broken, Sam and James have never stopped fighting for their children. Their love remains constant.
Since the removal, they have:
• Participated in further assessments with independent social workers and psychologists
• Engaged in additional therapy
• Continued with parenting programmes
• Complied fully with all requests
But the toll has been immense:
• Their income has plummeted
• Physical and mental health have deteriorated
• DBS checks are now flawed
• Reputations have been damaged
• Their marriage is under strain
• They miss their children terribly, and the emotional pain is profound
Social Care took everything.
The children were devastated when they weren’t returned—and still are. I have seen photos and videos of this family, and the love is unmistakable. The social workers chose a narrative that suited no one and inflicted harm on everyone involved.
A few examples of what followed:
• The children’s belongings were returned in bin bags
• Unopened gifts were sent back
• Family contact was completely cut off
• Social workers rarely respond to emails
• Court had agreed reunification was possible if the parents engaged with therapy and assessments—they did
• Positive assessments of the parents were ignored
• The children asked for more family time, which was denied
• The younger two could have remained safely at home with support—this was never explored
• Foster carers made derogatory comments about the parents; later concerns were raised about the carers’ own neglect, leading to another placement move
• Key information was withheld
• Court orders were not followed—overruled by social workers
• Updated positive assessments have not led to a reunification plan
What Sam and James—and many adoptive parents—have experienced:
• A lack of understanding of trauma and its effects
• Dominance of a pre-chosen narrative
• Failure to apply trauma-informed policy or practice
• Limited or no parental engagement
• Biased and oppressive professional attitudes
• A complete absence of psychoeducation
• Blame-based, punitive responses
• No coherent framework for responding to complex trauma
• A disturbing lack of empathy, compassion, or basic humanity
• Ethical failings at multiple levels
When professionals lack the expertise to understand a child’s behaviour—or when the difficulties are unique, undiagnosed, or difficult to diagnose—the blame too often falls on the parents. This is damaging. It is scandalous.
Sam and James love their children deeply. They want to be in their lives forever—even their eldest, who, at times, frightened them. The love never left. But tragically, sometimes, love alone is not enough.
Sam and James comment –
All we ever wanted to do was adopt. The adverts in the paper are often written in soft, “ice cream” colours—turquoise, lime green, pink. We were promised the world in terms of support. We understood that our children would present differently, but we were told support would be there.
We don’t understand how, as two people born in the UK, we’ve ended up here—completely devastated. They took our children, our marriage is suffering, our health, all our finances have gone, We were in a healthy financial position when the children came to live with us, and now we’ve got very little left.
One of us now has a DBS record with outdated disclosures on it, which will take a huge amount of time and effort to correct and dispute. If not resolved, this will affect chances of finding employment again.
We’re living in shock—not just from the grief of losing the children, but from the sheer intensity of how we’ve been treated.
This isn’t just loss. It’s persecution. People experience loss in all sorts of ways, but what we’ve experienced is targeted and cruel. The local authority has pursued us relentlessly. We’ve been harassed. Awful, untrue things have been written about us. We’ve been thrown into court with no warning. People have turned up on our doorstep at 4:30pm on a Friday, knowing we’d have no access to legal advice until the following week. Demands have been made for our children to be interviewed. It’s felt dark. Sinister. And we still can’t believe this is happening in the country we love.
If it weren’t for the support from others—PATCH, and other support groups, friends, family, our community—we’d be nowhere. We gave everything to being parents. Not just us, but our village: friends, family, sports clubs, the church, neighbours. So much love, time, and care went into their lives. But none of that counted. None of it mattered as far as social services were concerned.
The most painful truth is this: we were aggressively pursued from the very beginning. And that hopeful, pastel-coloured picture we were first shown—the one filled with promises—is not what happened.
That’s where we are. Whenever we try to explain this to people, we still can’t quite believe it ourselves. We pray from the bottom of our hearts that one day we’ll have our children back in some way. And we pray that every lie that’s been told is exposed, and the truth is brought into the light.